How to love what you hate in yourself?

How to love what you hate in yourself? It can be a part of your body, or your character trait. It's always extremely difficult, but before you start changing yourself, try to fall in love with who you are. Why? Let me tell you a story.

Loving what you hate in yourself is a terribly difficult task, but apparently it is possible. To accepte our defects, that's not a challenge. Just a few years of work, a pinch of resignation and we have it! However, falling in love with them is something completely different. It's something displayed on the top shelf of self-acceptance store. The one high up. The one you can't reach. The one where the best sweets and pleasures shine so brightly just to tempt you.

That damn shelf at the very top lures you with the vision of a better life, charms you with the promise of infinite happiness, promises being not a better version of yourself, but being yourself from your wildest dreams. The question, however, is not whether these mirages can become true, but rather whether we want to try to reach for them at all.

Whether it's a body part or a character trait, most of us (though I feel like everyone) have something about ourselves that we can't stand. Something that every day makes us feel inferior to others, but also to our image of ourselves. Something that prevents us from living the life we ​​want for ourselves. Sometimes it is an objective fact, sometimes it is our imagination, because after all, we are our own harshest critics. Sometimes our "defects" actually bother us, sometimes we are told that they should.

My two "big problems" that have always held me back from simply being myself fall into both of the last two categories. Both are true. None of them is imaginary. I have learned to live with one, but I still want to change it. The second one, ha, I finally wear the second one proudly as my badge of honour.

The second one is my character. More precisely, its one basic feature - nervousness, although today I rather call it emotionality. It has always been so terribly problematic for everyone around me, and as a result, for me as well. Taught that my short-temperedness and emotions right-at-the-surface were faults. An obstacle to being a true adult, which I thought was expected of me since I was a child. A hardship that people who come into contact with me in their lives have to endure.

My nervousness has not had a consistent value throughout my life. It has definitely reached new heights between the ages of 20 and 32. These difficult years for me distorted my perception of this part of myself. They made me believe in my problematic nature and value myself less simply because of who I am. However, at the time this feature was exaggerated, for many different reasons. After years of working on it, I finally reached my constant. Constans. It doesn't mean an ocean of peace and complete indifference. It doesn't mean contempt for myself, what I was and what I am.

Today I know that emotionality is part of me and I truly don't want to lose it. It's what makes me get excited about the little things in life. It allows me to fight for what is important to me. It also makes me feel, stronger and deeper. The colors of my life are more saturated thanks to it and so the contrast is enhanced. And just as I know that it can be exhausting for others, I sincerely like this trait of character. Supposedly difficult, but I sincerely hope that I will never change in this matter.

As for the first thing, well, it's quite a different matter. This is about my weight, my body, or more precisely, my belly. It is the source of my constant lows, shame and withdrawal from everyday life. It made me not want to go to summer camps or daily trips with friends. It's still the reason why going to the beach with my friends is an act of courage for me. It's because of it my whole life I've dreamed of strutting through the city in a crop top and low jeans (a child of the 90s, thank you very much), but I just couldn't. Or so I thought.

Before anyone comes out with great diet and fitness tips, seriously, I've tried everything and I'm still working on it. This is definitely the project of my life. It's simply not as simple as for those who were not overweight all their lives. Believe me. Ad rem, people.

While I'm working on changing the appearance of a part of my body that makes me want to alternately cry and vomit, I still try to at least accept it. This crap will still be there, right? No matter how wide the clothes I wear, how much I slouch, it is right there. But what I can change today, in this moment, is to stop letting my belly rule my life. I won't let it stop me from being active anymore, not sunbathe on the beach, not enjoy sex or not wear what I want. I'm still not 100% comfortable with all of it yet, but I'm getting there. I plan to be here for a few more good years, so I have time. I will get where I want to be.

I hope you do too. And I hope that you will like yourself along the way, even a little more. Unchanged.

xoxo

wero